The CDC set out to warn women of the dangers of fetal alcohol syndrome, but instead pretty much just blamed them for STDs and assault
On Wednesday the Center for Disease Control issued this ~interesting~ infographic as a part of a report on alcohol and pregnancy.
Fetal alcohol syndrome disorders can have lifelong effects on children born to women who drink during pregnancy. There’s no doubt that it’s a serious problem and completely preventable (by not drinkingduring pregnancy).
But the CDC is taking a new approach to preventing FASDs with this infographic. Their advice? Women should probably just stop drinking…entirely. Even if they’re not pregnant.
Yes, including women who aren’t even planning a pregnancy, because apparently alcohol puts women at risk for all kinds of things. Like getting beaten up. Or pregnant.
But really, when you think about it, there’s a ton of stuff that women should probably avoid doing JUST IN CASE they suddenly become pregnant.
Ladies, stay safe. Don’t do any of these things:
Eat a sub sandwich.
Pregnant women should avoid lunch meat, so non-pregnant women should probably cut it from their diets too, just in case. While you’re at it, forget about sushi, hot dogs, unpasteurized juice, and soft cheeses. They’re all just waiting to destroy your surprise baby.
Go outside in inclement weather.
You could slip in a puddle. You could get something in your eye. You could be knocked unconscious by a falling palm frond!
Drive a car.
You’re probably not very good at it anyway.
Take birth control.
This is really not good for your nonexistent baby. Plus, being in control of when you reproduce will basically set your uterus on fire and ensure you get all the STDs.
Sit for too long.
Sitting leads to boredom which leads to pregnancy. And if you’re already pregnant, you could fall off the chair. Just stand.
Your ankles will almost definitely swell. And what if your baby falls out?! That’s how science works, right?
Walk down stairs.
Stairs are constantly getting people pregnant without them realizing it.
Attempt air travel.
Going through the metal detector could make your ovaries explode! And we all know what happened to Amelia Earhart.
Interact with men.
Men are the No. 1 killer of women. It doesn’t matter who he is — he could kill you and the fetus you probably don’t know is inside you.
Go to college.
Learning too much and appearing intelligent is hazardous. Plus, there’s alcohol there.
This is a really good way to get pregnant. Or hurt.
Ask for a promotion.
Someone might think you’re a bitch. Or pregnant. Too risky.
Give a hand job in a hot tub.
Surefire way to get pregnant. Actually, avoid hot tubs in general, in case anyone else has ever given a handy in there. Plus, if you’re unknowingly pregnant you could boil your baby.
Play with samurai swords.
You might accidentally slice yourself in half, soooo….
It could potentially draw attention to your mouth and men will not be able to handle it. Similar dangers lurk behind push-up bras, tank tops, skirts, and jeans.
Sit on a vinyl seat with shorts or a skirt on.
Your thighs will stick to the vinyl. It will hurt to get up.
Make direct eye contact.
Speak at all.
Women who speak are drawing attention to themselves, which naturally raises your chances of getting raped or pregnant.
Exist on the corporeal plane.
It’s just too tempting.